Barn Surprise 3: The Threesome Chronicles
"A threesome? What's that?" Apple Bloom asked quizzically while sipping on a bottle of apple juice during the Cutie Mark Crusaders Weekly Cutie Mark Obtainment Planning Session.
"I don't know, Apple Bloom. Big sis Rarity wouldn't tell me. She said it wasn't a proper thing for little fillies to know."
"That means," Scootaloo butted in---physically, even, but with her head and not her flank, "that it's got to do with cutie marks! And if Rarity won't tell us about it I bet Rainbow Dash will!"
"Is that your solution to every problem?" Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes at Scootaloo.
"Yes," Scootaloo said with a grin, "now come on, get in the wagon!"
And the little fillies put on their helmets and scooted off to find Rainbow Dash.
"No, my little ponies, I haven't seen Rainbow Dash all day," Twilight said gently as she opened her door and found the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"Twilight, I haven't even asked you my question yet," Scootaloo countered, "oh my goodness do you have magical psychic powers?"
"No," Twilight said with a small frown, "but when have you ever come to the library looking for anything besides Rainbow Dash?"
"Well, books are kind of lame." Scootaloo stuck her tongue out as if she was trying to throw up.
"Books aren't lame," Twilight was trying to keep her composure in front of all these little ponies, "they contain the magic of knowledge!" And with that, Twilight took a small step to her right and revealed a glowing collection of books just behind the door. She made sure that they were extra sparkly using her unicorn magic.
"Hey," Sweetie Belle suddenly had a smart idea, "Twilight! Maybe you can tell us what we want to know?"
"Oh?" Twilight said with a smug look. "This little filly here comes seeking knowledge. Of course I can tell you what you need to know."
"What's a threesome?" Apple Bloom blurted out.
"A what the what now?"
"A threesome, Twilight. Pinkie Pie said that she was going to have one with Applejack and Rainbow Dash and it was even better than a party and when I asked her what it was she said that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo and I could do it too but she didn't tell me what it was and Rarity said that I was too young to know which means this has to do with cutie marks and so we need to know what a threesome is so we can do it with each other---"
Twilight Sparkle couldn't believe what Sweetie Belle was saying. Even though it's been over a year since she moved to Ponyville and had friends and knew how to deal with social situations this has completely taken her by surprise. Her mouth hung open and a large drip of cold sweat formed on her head.
"Twilight? You okay?" Apple Bloom asked with genuine concern.
"Eh, ahehe, yes! Yes! I'm okay! Soooo... I don't think I can help you. But I can give you some books! You can read them! Yes! Books! I love books! You know me: Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn who really likes to study! Hehe. Okay. Baaaaai!"
And Twilight shut the door as tightly as she could.
"But what about our books---"
Before Sweetie Belle could finish her sentence a dozen books flew out of the library's second floor windows onto the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They then heard all the windows of the library slam shut and the door double bolted from within all at the same time.
"Well," Sweetie Belle said as she emerged from a pile of books, "at least we wore helmets."
"I still think we need to go find Rainbow Dash right now."
"Come up, Scootaloo, let's just get to our clubhouse and read these books," Apple Bloom said, "you know we ain't never going to find Rainbow Dash."
"That's true. All the ponies in Ponyville said that they haven't seen Rainbow in days," Sweetie Belle chimed in.
"What about Pinkie Pie and Rarity? You said they saw Rainbow."
"If my big sister was going to help us we wouldn't even be doing this," Sweetie Belle pursed her lips, "and the Cakes told me that Pinkie Pie's locked herself in the basement of Sugarcube Corner for the last few days."
"What about my big sister," said Apple Bloom, "I heard Granny Smith sayin' that Rainbow's been in the barn quite a bit recently. We can stop by on the way to the clubhouse."
"Fine," Scootaloo frowned as she changed her heading, "at least it's not reading."
Big Macintosh stood proudly in the orchard, surveying the majestic apple trees of the Apple family. Straw in his mouth, the red colt was thinking ahead to applebucking season and trying to figure out the best way to deal with the harvest. That is, until he was interrupted by his adorable little sister.
"Hey Big Macintosh what's a threesome?"
Big Mac, for the second time in this year, dropped his straw with widen eyes as an unconquerable horde charged at him. This time, though, he wished it was parasprites.
"Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo and I wanted to know what it is so we can have one Pinkie Pie said it's something really good friends do but we have no idea how to do it can you tell us maybe once we're done you and Applejack and me can have one too since we're good friends and---"
Before Apple Bloom could finish her sentence, Big Macintosh grew an impossible shade of red, steam came out of his ears and he fell over to the side. Scootaloo gave him a poke---stiff as a corpse.
"Was that supposed to happen?" Sweetie Belle asked her stunned friend.
"I ain't never seen that before."
"Well, he's alive. Let's go find Rainbow Dash."
"I don't know, Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle frowned, "maybe that word, it's some kind of curse."
"Then how come Twilight didn't fall over?"
"She's magical, duh!" Apple Bloom has now completely forgotten her brother.
"And if we aren't careful we may curse Rainbow Dash too!" Scootaloo finally realized the weight of the situation.
"We need to read these books, Crusaders," Sweetie Belle said with a righteous look on her face, "it may be the only hope for saving Big Macintosh!"
The fillies looked at each other with a renewed sense of purpose. This wasn't just about the three of them having a threesome now. This is now bigger. It may involve all of Ponyville. In fact, this forbidden knowledge may even involve all of Equestria.
"Cutie Mark Crusader: Ancient Curse Breakers, go!"
"Let me do the talking," Apple Bloom whispered as the Crusaders walked into Cherilee's office, "she likes me better since I actually go to school."
"Hey," Scootaloo said, "I'd go more often if this stupid Earth Pony school had flight lessons."
"Why hello, my little ponies," Cheerilee said cheerfully, "I never expected you to show up on a day when we don't have school."
"Well, Ms. Cheerilee," Apple Bloom said, "we were readin' a book Twilight lent us and we couldn't understand some of the words so---"
"You're reading ahead! I am so proud of you! Now, Apple Bloom, can you hand me the book and show me which part you had trouble with?"
Apple Bloom pulled a book out of her saddle bag and meekly handed it over to Cheerilee. "The title, Ms. Cheerilee. And everything else I guess..."
"Yeah, I'm not sure why a government of circus performers has anything to do with a magical curs---" Scootaloo stopped as Sweetie Belle shoved a hoof in her mouth and smiled at Cheerilee. "She can't know," whispered the white unicorn, "we're operating in low profile."
"Oh fillies and your games," Cheerilee smiled as she remembered her youth fondly, "now let's see what you have here... 'Carnal Congress for Curious Colts and...'"
As Cheerilee trailed off, Apple Bloom was amazed. Even her teacher had trouble reading the title. This must be some kind of mystical spellbook!
"Um, Apple Bloom," Cheerilee's smile started to waver as she said nervously, "this is a really hard---I mean---difficult, book. Are you sure you really---"
"Yes," the Cutie Mark Crusaders replied simultaneously.
"Well, fillies," Cheerilee said as she started shoving the Crusaders out the front door, "I can't tell you anything about this book without getting fired. So, sorry. Maybe you want to go do more things to earn your cutie marks first? Have you tried ziplining? I heard it's fun! Oh look at the time I have to run. Don't do drugs! Stay in school!" And with that, Cheerilee slammed the door on the Crusaders who flew a few feet into the air and landed in variously positions, with the book landing square on Scootaloo's head.
"This has to be a conspiracy," Scootaloo declared, "everypony knows about what a threesome is but every time we try to find out they either go crazy and make us leave or get turned into stone!"
"How horrible," said a yellow pegasus walking by with a few birds flying behind her, "is there another cockatrice on the loose?
"Fluttershy! Of course!" Sweetie Belle screamed a little too loudly. "If anypony can help it must be Fluttershy!"
"Help with what, Sweetie Belle?"
"Oh please, Fluttershy," Apple Bloom started pleading, "we accidentally turned Big Macintosh into stone with an magical curse and the only way to save him is to learn about carnal congress from this book that Twilight gave us and---"
"Hush---not another word," Fluttershy said with a smile and a slight blush, "of course I can help, but you know it's much better to learn about these things with a walk through the woods than from a book, right?"
"You mean, like a quest," Scootaloo's eyes lit up.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Forest Quest YAY!"
By the time the four ponies emerged from the edge of the forest the stars had come out. Fluttershy led the herd, humming the song she sang to the fillies just earlier to herself and smiling. "The birds and the bees and eggs and honey..." The Cutie Mark Crusaders tagged behind, staggering a little and were in a little worse shape.
"I ain't never seein' bunnies the same way again," Apple Bloom said with eyes wide open.
"Now I understand why some ponies ask Rarity to put in special holes in their dresses," Sweetie Belle said, "but we still haven't figured out what a threesome is."
"You know, Sweetie, I ain't itchin' to find out."
Scootaloo, though, was in the worst shape of them all. Her head hung low and she wasn't even sad about now having found Rainbow Dash anymore. After all, now she knows that she'll never be able to be Rainbow Dash's girlfriend because you need a boy pony and a girl pony to do things that boyfriends and girlfriends do and, well, she ain't no boy pony and neither was Dash.
"Um, excuse me, fillies, do you mind?" Fluttershy stopped and turned around as they reached Sweet Apple Acres. "I'm shy."
The fillies looked at her blushing face, and then at Big Macintosh lying on the ground. "But Fluttershy I don't think there's any magi---" Sweetie Belle shoved her hoof into Apple Bloom's mouth as she smiled at Fluttershy and backed away. "What she meant was, thanks Fluttershy! We're going to go away now. Really, really far away." And with that, the Crusaders slowly trotted backwards until they went into a full gallop away from Sweet Apple Acres.
Fluttershy, after seeing the fillies disappear on the horizon, slowly trotted up to the fallen colt and nervously nuzzled him on his bright, red face. "Excuse me, um, Mr. Macintosh. Or is it Mr. Apple? Oh my goodness, I'm rambling. Um. Anyway, your sister told me that they turned you into stone and this was the only way to save you. So, um, I hope you don't mind." Big Macintosh's brain and body have been functional for a few hours now---he was just lying there because it was actually rather comfortable. He certainly didn't mind that a beautiful pegusus seems to think that he needs her help. Before he could finish his thoughts, though, Fluttershy snuggled up next to him. "Um, Mr. Macintosh, is this helping?"
Relieved, Fluttershy gave a little "yay" before she stopped being shy and started fluttering under the stars.
Epilogue: The Ultimate Barn
"Rainbow Dash, this was the best idea you ever had. We ain't been interrupted for a whole week!"
"What'd I tell you, huh? There's no way Pinkie Pie can find us in the skies."
"Reckon you're right. But, Dash, did you really have to make the cloud house shaped like a barn?"
"Hey, I thought it'd make it feel like home for you."
"It'd be just a mite better if you got some magic from Twilight so I could walk on them clouds."
"I prefer the 'if you stop holding on to me you'll fall to your death' system we got here, if you don't mind me saying so."
"Well, pardner, I guess I just have to keep holdin' on mighty tight now. So, ready for round 73?"
"Always. And this time, I'm going to make you lose your hat."
"Ain't worked the last 72 times."
"You are on, pardner."
Outside the cloud barn in the sky, Pinkie Pie was sitting in her latest invention with Scootaloo, sharing a giant tub of popcorn.
"So, Pinkie Pie," Scootaloo said as round 73 was over and Rainbow Dash fell asleep.
"Thanks for bringing me up here."
"No problem! Now you see there's always more to learn? It's not always about boy ponies and girl ponies. You can do whatever you want as long as you have fun and protection," Pinkie Pie knocked on her and Scootaloo's helmets much to Scootaloo's dismay, "sometimes you can have two boy ponies or two girl ponies or even ten boy ponies and one girl pony and---"
"Hey, Pinkie Pie, I have a question."
"Yes, Scootaloo? Is it about the amazing lollipop stabilizers on my stealth candyclopter or the---"
"No! No! It's about, you know, them," Scootaloo nudged her head towards the open barn window.
"What about the loveponies? You want more popcorn?"
"No! Yes! Well," Scootaloo blushed a little, "does it count as having a threesome with Rainbow Dash and Applejack if I'm watching?"